Finding God-Jesus and the Holy Spirit

I have to first start out by saying this is more than likely look like a lot of incoherent ramblings...nothing new, right?

So I've been thinking of all the limitations I grew up with, and I had never heard the passages about the people he cured; whether they doubted him, begged him, sought him out from afar etc.  I can edit reference verses in later.  Feel free to post in the comment section, if you want to help me out.

Let's start in the Old testament.  Jesus may not have been mentioned by name, but he was there.  They just didn't know him.  There are all kinds of things written about the coming Messiah.  There were many examples of points I'm going to touch on, things that I recently even learned at Tri Life Church, on Day Star Television, and through meeting other people.  Abraham was promised a son who would become the father of many generations in The Promised Land.  He didn't trust God fully.  He was old, his wife was old, and neither of them had very much patience.  So Sarah told Abraham to have a child with her maidservant. But , as that child grew older, she became jealous that the child was not hers.  She eventually did have a son of her own, the one God had originally promised to bless.  Sarah thought Isaac, her son, would not get the blessing, so she sent Hagar and Ishmael away.  Of course they were afraid, but God promised to bless them with a prosperous future.  Many believe he became the leader of the Muslims.  So, if God ordained this, then what is the problem?  Why are we still trying to take each other's  promises, and not just being thankful enough for our own?  Oil!  That limited resource is in the territory possessed by the Muslims.  And we want it!  That's why our military goes to places it doesn't belong.  Not to free the down-trodden from oppression, but to make sure those (insert word here) sell us their valuable resource.  And we've been screwed by them.  They hijack our planes, kill people that go over there to try to help them, and spout hateful things at us.  I think we can do better than that.  I think we can show them the love that Jesus showed us.  I don't think allowing thousands of refugees into our country is the greatest solution.  We need to take care of our own first, and pray for those in other lands who need God also.  Jesus also said "Love your enemies."  Maybe, if we do, then they won't be our enemies any more.  We are all descendants of Abraham.  One of our greatest American Presidents(cue Leo Sayer[?])  The Muslims and Jews believe Jesus is "just a prophet, a teacher, a wise man)  I  believe he is  more than that.  By reading passages in the Bible and praying, I can communicate with Him.  He is my Helper, my Healer.  I believe in miracles.  When I finally got a subsidized apartment, in a neighborhood known for crime, violence, bullying, drugs, etc, I did not fear, though my extended family did.  I got closer to finding "the way, the truth, and the life."  My friend of 20 years lived downstairs from us.  Austin and I were very reluctant to join her church, it took her 6 months to convince us to get on the van, and about that long for her to convince me to join a Bible Study for neighborhood mothers.  We met dozens, if not hundreds, of warm, welcoming people...married, single, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  This was a family(cue Joe Walsh song).  I'm not one that likes to get up early, so we probably didn't go often for a while.  Even before I went to this church, sometimes I would go to a Sunday group with my friend.  I walked nearly a quarter to half a mile to get to the community center.  And winters were rough.  The sidewalks were very icy. My friend suggested I get a cane for stability.  I didn't agree with a lot of what was being said.  Eventually, I learned to keep my differences of opinions to myself, and let God deal with me later. I enjoyed the group more that way.  I still asked about others' beliefs.  I believe we are all on a journey that takes many directions and sometimes goes around in circles, run into walls.  I've learned how to climb over or dig under some of those walls.  Grace is Amazing!  When I first started going to TLC, I learned about the fruit of the Spirit, putting on the Full Armor of God, and a word called "discernment."  To this day, that word is very helpful: with my family, some of whom I don't get along with very peacefully; my marriage; parenting my son,whether he is with me, or I am just seeing him occasionally.  That last one has been very difficult for me, and it seems like there are a lot of circles and walls with that situation.

But lets get to some more miracles.  Thanks to my huge network of friends, peers, and other supports, I have found strength to go after what I want.  I no longer let my losses, or my culpability in them, bring me down. I currently have friends going through similar situations, and I hope I can encourage them the same way they did for me. It breaks my heart to see misery.  Some of them have more blessings than they realize, but those seem to go unnoticed.  That is why I asked the question in my previous blog, "am I being selfish for not having fought harder for what I thought I wanted, rather than accepting things the way they are, and being thankful for all the good things in my life that followed all those trials.  There were so many examples in the Bible that caught my attention: the woman at the well; the starving woman with only enough to make one more meal for herself and her son, the wedding in Canaan, the loaves and fishes, the woman with the issue of blood, the man who clawed through the roof of a house where Jesus was preaching.  And the list goes on.  I continue to this day to witness to others about all of the things that have happened to me, all the things I have done, and everything else in between and beyond...online,IRL, on the bus, at Dunkin' Donuts, and wherever I can get anyone to listen to me.  And that brings me great joy.  Amen?

When is it ever too late?

My son is 17 years old.  He lives with my mom.  My mom and my uncle have been his guardians for about 6-7 years now.  I wasn't always the perfect mother when I lived with my mom and my son, or even when I moved to the projects with my son.  I have multiple mild physical disabilities(including partial blindness), and mental health diagnoses.  I have felt like I got a bad rap from the beginning, like what it says on paper is what determines others' perception(s) of who and what I am.  So I tried very hard to overcome all the stigma. I admit I wasn't always there for my son.  I made all kinds of excuses.  I've been self-centered.  I suppose I could have, or should have, tried harder to put more attention on my son.  I screamed many years for support, but all I got was, "if you can't handle being a parent, we'll take him from you," not "what can we do to help you with your struggles, so that you can be a better mom?"  This system is screwed up.  I don't have much against grandparents' rights, but some just go too far.  Like, my mom has more money than I do, therefore he deserves to live in her environment of privilege, than my environment of poverty.  In that case, all persons of child-bearing age, who do not meet income standards, should be sterilized.  Or they should be trafficked for their fertility, to bear children for money-hungry yuppies, who only realize they want to be parents once menopause hits.  That's what pisses me off about the "Pro Life" movement.  The babies they want to adopt would probably end up in day care anyway, while they continue their 80 hour-a-week work load.  Does The Handmaid's Tale ring a bell?  

Ok, so I went off on a wild tangent.  Those who know me IRL would not be surprised.  Sometimes I wonder...if I tried harder, would I have my son with me?  I stopped trying a few years ago, because I will never be good enough.   Even if I could buy him everything he wanted, I would not.  Whatever happened to just giving kids the basics of unconditional love, shelter, food, and clothing?  I guess my son learned his violent tendencies and short temper from me and other family members.  Or is it an innate characteristic?  In any case, that was the major reason I came to the conclusion of not trying to get more visitation rights, or even regain custody.  Am I selfish for deciding what I have is more important that what I thought I wanted?
A year after I lost custody of my son, I found a community of peers who had mental health and other struggles, just like me, though it seemed to me that most were not parents.  I even met my husband there, and through him, I connected with other community programs.  My self-esteem began to grow, and I accomplished many goals never thought I could.  I felt so trapped living with my mom for 8 years.  Back then, I never knew of any programs that could help with my mental and physical health needs.  I know a few women who have been in similar situations, and some of them seem to be stuck in the same position I was in 6-7 years ago, while others continue on their own path, such as I am now.  I continue to grow. I have a very small business of selling crafty things.  I advocate for others that are going through what I have.

So that begs the question: am I being selfish?  I want to be with my son, but if he doesn't accept me the way I am, or if he ignores me when I try to visit or keep in contact with him, I am no longer going to let that bring me down.  For the last 6 years or so, I have heard "maybe he'll want a relationship with you when he grows up".  Do they know how stupid that sounds?  If crack heads can turn their lives around and regain custody of their kids, then why couldn't I? I'm not saying that my son is not important to me, but there is still a limit to how much stress I will let him put me through.  The two manipulators can have each other, and I hope they are happy together.  My husband I do not, and will not, have any kids together.  That makes me sad, but I'd rather be with him, than have another baby again and risk going through another round of drama brought on by my mom's lack of faith in my ability to take care of a precious bundle of joy; aka living, breathing, poop machine.

True love always prevails.

My new favorite show is ONCE UPON A TIME.  I have been thinking a lot about the character Rumplestiltskin.  I do not think he is a completely bad guy.  He made wrong choices in his life, like we all do, that lead to his being *the Dark One*.  In some crazy way, I am sure he did it all for love, but there are so many emotions other than love.  He caused his own injury in war because a Seer told him that his wife was expecting, and that he would probably die in battle and never see his son.  So he broke his own leg, and went home.  The poor guy lived under the shadow of his father being labeled a coward, and then he became one. Selfish, I know, but in some twisted way, he did it for his family.  Of course, his wife was not happy to be married to a coward.  Now, I am going to jump around a little.  This page of my blog will not have linear time.  His wife ran off with Captain Hook, and Rumple killed her out of jealousy, anger, feeling betrayed, etc.  If I remember correctly, he had told his son that the mother had died or something.  Then the boy found out the truth, and in effort to save himself and his father, bought a magic bean to make a way to a world without magic, the world everyone eventually ended up in after the curse was cast.  I don't really think the curse had as much to do with the Evil Queen Regina seeking revenge on Snow White for the death of her true love Daniel, as it was so he could find his son, who he did not escape with because he valued his power more than love at that time.  I think he learned his lesson the hard way.  I am sure that Regina wanted Rumple to fall in love with Belle to break his power, so she would have it all.  After Belle is gone, he realizes he is in love with her.  Too bad, Rumple.  Lucky for him, he got a second chance in the new world.  Too bad Hook spoiled that by sending her over the city line, in revenge for killing the woman he loved, who had left Rumple.  Poor guy.  I guess he did not want to see Snow White and Prince Charming have to live a lifetime apart, so he allowed a way for the curse to be broken...their daughter would go ahead of them into the other world.  She would grow up to reunite them.  Her son would help.  I dont know if Rumple knew that this was the boy that the Seer would predict to destroy him.  I also did not think he would expect his own son to father Snow White and Prince Charmings grandson.  Twisted.  Although, I guessed early on that Rumples son was Henrys father.  Weird, I know.  It doesnt seem like something palatable. I really dont think Snow and Charming wanted to be related to Rumple. Maybe Henry will actually reunite his dad with Rumple forever, and that will break the magic of the dagger, with everyone being so mushy lovey with each other.  But I dont know if Pinnocchio had intended for Emma to give Henry up.  I dont know if he knew she was pregnant.  The book says that Emma is the savior, but I think Henry is.  I think he will bring several characters together to save everyone.  I am glad that Snow/Mary Margaret and Charming/David are taking advantage of their second chance.  I dont even think Regina is all that bad.  And Regina may have become evil again, after reuniting with her mother, but I wonder if she really did that to as a trick, and is actually a double agent.  I think Regina is just an expendable pawn in Coras search for ultimate power and domination.  Ok, so now I am way off topic.  I wonder how long it will be before (a) Cora finds the dagger and (b) Rumple, Emma, Henry, and maybe Baelfire, will return.  I hope this show goes on for a few more seasons.  I would like to see everyone band together to defeat Cora.  I hope that Regina honors Henry and redeems herself. I think Cora underestimates Henry.  I think he has a power he does not know he has.  This will be interesting to watch play out.  Stay tuned for more of my views on characters and plots.  I know a lot of this post was more narrative than opinion, but I had to start somewhere.  Any questions, please leave a comment.

Closing the gaps in religion

There are many different religions that ask and answer many different questions.  Some questions remain unasked and others remain unanswered.  There are people that believe their religious beliefs are the only way to true enlightenment while there are others who look into many religions and schools of philosophy for the answers to life's big questions.  I have encountered people who are very adamant that their way is the only way, and they seem very pushy, and some threatening.  I have also met others who are more understanding and gentle in the sharing of their beliefs, even if their intention is to convert the other person to their beliefs.  My boyfriend and I seem to have quite radically different spiritual/religious beliefs, and have clashed on many occassions, almost to the point of ending our relationship.  He has been going to church with me for quite some time, voicing his opposition to me to the way some of the members try to force him to believe as they do.  I don't even believe some of the extreme views of my church, although I don't always voice my opinions.  Sometimes I feel it is best to remain silent rather than to engage in a battle that may never end.

I am a Christian.  I am not opposed to learning about, and even experimenting with, other schools of belief.  I do not believe that Eastern religions are satanic, as most in my church do.  I practice meditation and yoga.  I also meditate on Biblical passages that I either find helpful or have questions about.  I really feel bad about the way I have been pressuring my boyfriend to keep going to my church.  I want to support his search for the truth wherever he may find it.  I have stood up to a few people who I have radically different opinions with, and walked away when things went nowhere.  I don't feel like giving up on my church yet, but I will support my boyfriend in his search by attending other places occasionally.  He has also listened to me read my favorite Bible passages, and we have taken some time to discuss them about why they are important to me and why he may not agree. I still think it is possible for 2 people to have a relationship when their beliefs are different.  My boyfriend taught me a lot about respect and tolerance.