Finding God-Jesus and the Holy Spirit

I have to first start out by saying this is more than likely look like a lot of incoherent ramblings...nothing new, right?

So I've been thinking of all the limitations I grew up with, and I had never heard the passages about the people he cured; whether they doubted him, begged him, sought him out from afar etc.  I can edit reference verses in later.  Feel free to post in the comment section, if you want to help me out.

Let's start in the Old testament.  Jesus may not have been mentioned by name, but he was there.  They just didn't know him.  There are all kinds of things written about the coming Messiah.  There were many examples of points I'm going to touch on, things that I recently even learned at Tri Life Church, on Day Star Television, and through meeting other people.  Abraham was promised a son who would become the father of many generations in The Promised Land.  He didn't trust God fully.  He was old, his wife was old, and neither of them had very much patience.  So Sarah told Abraham to have a child with her maidservant. But , as that child grew older, she became jealous that the child was not hers.  She eventually did have a son of her own, the one God had originally promised to bless.  Sarah thought Isaac, her son, would not get the blessing, so she sent Hagar and Ishmael away.  Of course they were afraid, but God promised to bless them with a prosperous future.  Many believe he became the leader of the Muslims.  So, if God ordained this, then what is the problem?  Why are we still trying to take each other's  promises, and not just being thankful enough for our own?  Oil!  That limited resource is in the territory possessed by the Muslims.  And we want it!  That's why our military goes to places it doesn't belong.  Not to free the down-trodden from oppression, but to make sure those (insert word here) sell us their valuable resource.  And we've been screwed by them.  They hijack our planes, kill people that go over there to try to help them, and spout hateful things at us.  I think we can do better than that.  I think we can show them the love that Jesus showed us.  I don't think allowing thousands of refugees into our country is the greatest solution.  We need to take care of our own first, and pray for those in other lands who need God also.  Jesus also said "Love your enemies."  Maybe, if we do, then they won't be our enemies any more.  We are all descendants of Abraham.  One of our greatest American Presidents(cue Leo Sayer[?])  The Muslims and Jews believe Jesus is "just a prophet, a teacher, a wise man)  I  believe he is  more than that.  By reading passages in the Bible and praying, I can communicate with Him.  He is my Helper, my Healer.  I believe in miracles.  When I finally got a subsidized apartment, in a neighborhood known for crime, violence, bullying, drugs, etc, I did not fear, though my extended family did.  I got closer to finding "the way, the truth, and the life."  My friend of 20 years lived downstairs from us.  Austin and I were very reluctant to join her church, it took her 6 months to convince us to get on the van, and about that long for her to convince me to join a Bible Study for neighborhood mothers.  We met dozens, if not hundreds, of warm, welcoming people...married, single, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  This was a family(cue Joe Walsh song).  I'm not one that likes to get up early, so we probably didn't go often for a while.  Even before I went to this church, sometimes I would go to a Sunday group with my friend.  I walked nearly a quarter to half a mile to get to the community center.  And winters were rough.  The sidewalks were very icy. My friend suggested I get a cane for stability.  I didn't agree with a lot of what was being said.  Eventually, I learned to keep my differences of opinions to myself, and let God deal with me later. I enjoyed the group more that way.  I still asked about others' beliefs.  I believe we are all on a journey that takes many directions and sometimes goes around in circles, run into walls.  I've learned how to climb over or dig under some of those walls.  Grace is Amazing!  When I first started going to TLC, I learned about the fruit of the Spirit, putting on the Full Armor of God, and a word called "discernment."  To this day, that word is very helpful: with my family, some of whom I don't get along with very peacefully; my marriage; parenting my son,whether he is with me, or I am just seeing him occasionally.  That last one has been very difficult for me, and it seems like there are a lot of circles and walls with that situation.

But lets get to some more miracles.  Thanks to my huge network of friends, peers, and other supports, I have found strength to go after what I want.  I no longer let my losses, or my culpability in them, bring me down. I currently have friends going through similar situations, and I hope I can encourage them the same way they did for me. It breaks my heart to see misery.  Some of them have more blessings than they realize, but those seem to go unnoticed.  That is why I asked the question in my previous blog, "am I being selfish for not having fought harder for what I thought I wanted, rather than accepting things the way they are, and being thankful for all the good things in my life that followed all those trials.  There were so many examples in the Bible that caught my attention: the woman at the well; the starving woman with only enough to make one more meal for herself and her son, the wedding in Canaan, the loaves and fishes, the woman with the issue of blood, the man who clawed through the roof of a house where Jesus was preaching.  And the list goes on.  I continue to this day to witness to others about all of the things that have happened to me, all the things I have done, and everything else in between and beyond...online,IRL, on the bus, at Dunkin' Donuts, and wherever I can get anyone to listen to me.  And that brings me great joy.  Amen?

When is it ever too late?

My son is 17 years old.  He lives with my mom.  My mom and my uncle have been his guardians for about 6-7 years now.  I wasn't always the perfect mother when I lived with my mom and my son, or even when I moved to the projects with my son.  I have multiple mild physical disabilities(including partial blindness), and mental health diagnoses.  I have felt like I got a bad rap from the beginning, like what it says on paper is what determines others' perception(s) of who and what I am.  So I tried very hard to overcome all the stigma. I admit I wasn't always there for my son.  I made all kinds of excuses.  I've been self-centered.  I suppose I could have, or should have, tried harder to put more attention on my son.  I screamed many years for support, but all I got was, "if you can't handle being a parent, we'll take him from you," not "what can we do to help you with your struggles, so that you can be a better mom?"  This system is screwed up.  I don't have much against grandparents' rights, but some just go too far.  Like, my mom has more money than I do, therefore he deserves to live in her environment of privilege, than my environment of poverty.  In that case, all persons of child-bearing age, who do not meet income standards, should be sterilized.  Or they should be trafficked for their fertility, to bear children for money-hungry yuppies, who only realize they want to be parents once menopause hits.  That's what pisses me off about the "Pro Life" movement.  The babies they want to adopt would probably end up in day care anyway, while they continue their 80 hour-a-week work load.  Does The Handmaid's Tale ring a bell?  

Ok, so I went off on a wild tangent.  Those who know me IRL would not be surprised.  Sometimes I wonder...if I tried harder, would I have my son with me?  I stopped trying a few years ago, because I will never be good enough.   Even if I could buy him everything he wanted, I would not.  Whatever happened to just giving kids the basics of unconditional love, shelter, food, and clothing?  I guess my son learned his violent tendencies and short temper from me and other family members.  Or is it an innate characteristic?  In any case, that was the major reason I came to the conclusion of not trying to get more visitation rights, or even regain custody.  Am I selfish for deciding what I have is more important that what I thought I wanted?
A year after I lost custody of my son, I found a community of peers who had mental health and other struggles, just like me, though it seemed to me that most were not parents.  I even met my husband there, and through him, I connected with other community programs.  My self-esteem began to grow, and I accomplished many goals never thought I could.  I felt so trapped living with my mom for 8 years.  Back then, I never knew of any programs that could help with my mental and physical health needs.  I know a few women who have been in similar situations, and some of them seem to be stuck in the same position I was in 6-7 years ago, while others continue on their own path, such as I am now.  I continue to grow. I have a very small business of selling crafty things.  I advocate for others that are going through what I have.

So that begs the question: am I being selfish?  I want to be with my son, but if he doesn't accept me the way I am, or if he ignores me when I try to visit or keep in contact with him, I am no longer going to let that bring me down.  For the last 6 years or so, I have heard "maybe he'll want a relationship with you when he grows up".  Do they know how stupid that sounds?  If crack heads can turn their lives around and regain custody of their kids, then why couldn't I? I'm not saying that my son is not important to me, but there is still a limit to how much stress I will let him put me through.  The two manipulators can have each other, and I hope they are happy together.  My husband I do not, and will not, have any kids together.  That makes me sad, but I'd rather be with him, than have another baby again and risk going through another round of drama brought on by my mom's lack of faith in my ability to take care of a precious bundle of joy; aka living, breathing, poop machine.